My Undoing

Magaidi

Ok ok...i'm in a diabolical situation. I forgot!..yes, I did forget![shoot me] Lady M's birthday and when I politely, humbly and may I add prayerfully! requested to be reminded I was promptly turned down!

..so I wonder how can she be upset the next time I forget it because she isn't willing to tell me?

See..these are the kinds of secrets that just kill a relationship!!!

the Kenyan Music Videos

Magaidi

Maybe it's hard for you jamaaz home to understand how difficult it is for us in the diaspora to get our hands on some Kenyan music videos. I got my hands on a handful this past weekend and I can assure you,..a synopsis of how I spenty my time:

*sometimes crossed over bare-chested laughing! at some who claimed they were "the only choice for Kenyan ladies" - I'm pretty convinced that this dude(s) should invest heavily in a mask(s) of choice before saying that to a camera/ well a live camera with any remote possibility of recording.

*other times straight down disgusted at some trying oh so lawdy hard! to bling. I mean, i've always been of the school of thought that if you can't do it as well as Diddy..please don't? It's pretty hard to floss with a blue Toyota celica..used in other videos by the way. Longombas beware ye!

*Few other times impressed by the quality of the work from Nameless' Juju, Sema's Leta Wimbo, JuaCali's and PiliPili's 'Kamata Dem..'

*Several Other moments, spent wondering what on Gods green earth! the directors of the videos had in mind..I'm talking about that 'Fever' video by Habib and Manga. I tell you ladies and gentlemen, a pretty good song, the video was the definition of garbage!..I man what was that ?!&%#$!@@#(!)! - As in [Worthless or nonsensical matter; rubbish: used in a sentence: Their advice turned out to be nothing but garbage]

*Many a Moments!* marvelling at the ease with which anyone not named Saddam Hussein could get their videos to Nation and they are actually shown. I mean, sons and daughters of Gikuyu and Mumbi took shots on camcoders, home movies...I wonder!

*All the time - with a sheepish grin on my face, at the unspectacular display of talent/or its lack thereof. I mean E-sir, K-South,Nameless, Nonini, Juacali...we do have an A-List talentwise and these lads are singularly on it. On the other hand..the rest? AAaaoooooooowiiiii!

The Joint

After a brief hiatus, the kid is back in full swing, juices still flowing and among other things a sense of wonder and amazement at how adept we have become at celebrating nonesense!..presidents day? Do we reaallyy..realllyy need this? Anywayz as long as it's there i'm enjoying it. Had a question for you jamaaz though. Had a stint with some really creative dudes this weekend called Studio Entertainment. What would be your ideal name for a joint, if you opened one up yourself? Or..what is the most interesting name you've come accross -y'know for a joint? C'mon people!!!...I need answers.

Kenyan Blogs - MEME

Magaidi

Favourite Kenyan food:

•Mokimo
•Risaiko (just walk in to Elijah ‘Kasindeeh’ Onyango’s joint on Wood Road in Industrial area. They’ll know what you’re talking about.
•Tell you the truth ‘ Napenda zote – nyama ya n’gombe, ugali, kachumbari ili watu wasikonde’ (K-South)

Favourite Kenyan drink:

•Ice Cold Pilsner Ice.

Favourite Kenyan TV programme:

•Ngoja Most memorable kwanza is that section after KBC news back in the day - Weather with Wandimi Muchemi. Dude rumored to have claimed “Tomorrow there will be no weather!”
•Plot 10 was a blockbuster at digoloz

Top Three Four Kenyan hang outs:

•Mamba both Nai and Coast.
•I have no shame declaring that ka-old school joint SJ’s opposite F2 as one of a favorite. Cheap beer, and proximity to F back in my hanging days.
•Florida Casino, if its still open. (don’t know)
•Carnivore- Rock Night.

Top Kenyan holiday destination

•If I had to choose then Coasto – esp. Malindi
Kisum-city! And Nyeri come a close tie for second.

3 Kenyan phrases you use a lot (ati, nini, nani DO NOT count and neither does bilaz!)

Open the tap –•Direct translation for ‘Fungulia maji’ – turn the tap on and let the water flow.
•Jamaa!! Or Weh Chief?...Calling out a dude.
•Sema bana? Namna gani?... Saying hi, how are you?

Three Four things about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go 'hmmm'

•Jealousy bug in the diaspora is a killer! No cohesion at all
•Hunger for materialistic gains. Dude drives a 3 series BMW but the ride is parked outside his jobo place 24-7 coz he can’t afford to take time off due to car payments, hiyo! Si maendeleo!
•Mental disease that having a ‘white’ girl is being special or something. Gimme my African-womano (no pun intended to white chics, and those who have white/yellow/pink/green or purple chics by the way).
•Raging malcontents - Nuff Said!

Three things non-Kenyans say about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go 'hmmm'

•Is Kenya a town or a city? (I kid you not!)
•Tell them you’re from Kenya and they’re like; ‘is that close to Nigeria or Sudan?’ Uhmmm… Do I insult your mother?
•I watched Surivor Africa and loved it. (Ok thanks for sharing that!)

Three things about Kenya/Kenyans which non-Kenyans ought to know.

•Shrubbing is not an accent! – Jamaa says ‘ALELO’..instead of’ ‘Alero’: Junguu retorts.., “I like your accent”
•It’s not all a forest with villages. We do have cars and planes, buses and taxis
•Not all Kenyans run gad-danit!
(Oh and one more…Kenya joining the war on terror has absolutely no consequence whether you win or not!) we’re just there to be seen so don’t pin your hopes too high.

Complete this sentence: I am Kenyan because...i'm sometimes bila feelings. (case in point - I laughed at some dude barreling down the rudder to his demise in Titanic when the thing tanked)After surviving in Kenya, I can definitely survive a plane crash!

And finally list 3 members of the Kenyan Blog Ring you would like to see complete this quiz.

mental
Itina Rasa (this chuckles me all the time
Nehanda

Of Confrontations, Dialogue and Travels!!

Magaidi
I must admit i'm a sucker for action..I mean you know fracas and whatever. My initial instinct when the dude ahead starts running is to run!follow the fella..ask questions when everyone stops running. I'll let you folks in on a story - happened a couple of years back on my way to Njoro with my mom. We'd been stashed - and I mean literallystashed in a nissan, but I do injustice to other nissans by calling this a car:I'd say more like a hodge podge of metallic sheets strewn together with a wooden interior and 4 tires which by my count may have been re-treaded four times. Fred Flinstones had a better ride. My mom has never been short for words, I mean this woman angemtoa nyoka pangoni. We veer off the road to pick up two unassuming strangers but thats not the problem, the dilemma here was the humongous sack of waruz, vitunguuz, nyanyaz, I suspect several canes of sugar and a metallic milk bucket. A diabolical situation. I assure you if they place this thing on the roof it caves in on us. Condy gestures to my mom to move and create space, my mom questions "where?" - and I understand the woman's question: Maybe by now you may not have the picture clear so lemme elaborate: A trip inside this wreck? You'd have been more comfortable sleeping in those yellow sweepstake boxes all night like we'd done after yet another confrontation with cops outside F2 but that's a whole new issue. The prepostrous suggestion that one of us moves ahead by an inch to create more space was followed by a retort that left no doubt this woman had absolutely ZERO! zilch!Nada! Kaput! respect for the condy's abilities mentally or otherwise. We were ordered to shuka! lakini wapi? I was ordered by the general to sit right where I was. After 'consultations' with the driver, the condy had to give up. It was then realized that similar confrontations had happened with this woman in the past. Confused and embarassed dude went back to his inch of space in next to the door, the rest of the journey went smooth. Couldn't be prouder of my mom though. She's the best!!.

Valentines - romanticized Extortion!

It's Monday Feb 14th - valentines day, do you know where your wallet is? Remember back in the day when it only cost you stamps money to enjoy your valentines? As in you had this thing for a chic in school so you sent her a letter, asked her to be your valentines a and then you both spent time sending 'sweet nothings' back and forth? Couldn't wait to get mail? Well guess what? That stuff doesn't fly any more, that day is gone son. You've got to have a J.O.B if you wanna 'get with it'.I mean, I have nothing really against valentines and noI have not had bad experiences in the past, well, apart from this one date I went to, had to have the chic pay fare for me going back home because (in the words of George W. Bush) 'I misunderestimated' the cash flow - didn't account for a last minute snack: something about the smell of popcorn at the theatre that hypnotizes me. It's safe to say that chivalry was long dead before I got there...And I don't see it rumbling back roaring any time soon. So back to valentines!

Guess what I did this time around? Well if you insist, and keep prodding into my private affairs and (this part to drive my english teachers crazy) you must know then I, being a poet as it is went back into time and tore off a romantic poem from an old literature book that I had in college, got some chocolates (I'm sure I'm not the first) and some flowers, a lot! Of flowers and a romantic card. Couldn't do the dinner thing coz it fell on a Monday but spent the better part of the weekend with my boo coz when it gets to weekdays our schedules just don't work. This not withstanding I have always maintained that I am not cheap by any stretch of imagination. This celebration of love has become (in my own words now!) 'Romanticized extortion'. Eddie Griffith, comedian extraordinaire once quipped, "What happened to falling in love with a [fellow] with a bus pass" or in our case, a megarider? I speak for those thousands who identify solidly with K-South's 'bado sijapata ndai'I tell you the matriachs have become even more demanding than the IMF. Cash flow crisis is an epidemic. You can say all you want about love and even claim money can't buy me love, whoever believes this adage just doesn't have money - even stamps cash bilaz! MC Lyte reminded us a long time ago - you wanna live lovely you've got to have money in her song '2 seater'. I say save your money this valentines. Instead of fillet mignon and some 'expensive' cheap wine from Marseille, boil some beans, warus and peas - tengeneza some Mokimo and drink a soda on me! This way you can save your cash for other important things such as buying a car, house or schooling yourself to be wiser the second time around. That's my word and I'm sticking to it.